How to cope with dependence on parents?
For our parents, we always remain children, so they take great care, which in some cases develops into excessive care. And how to stop depending on moms and dads and start an independent life?
Stages of development of relations between children and parents
Before you get into the essence of dependence on parents, you should analyze the relationship with them. As a rule, they develop in several stages:
- Positive symbiosis. Such mutually beneficial cohabitation or even cooperation lasts from birth to about 10-12 years. At this stage, the child is almost completely dependent on the parents, considers them the most important and authoritative people in their lives, and their opinion is decisive and the only true for them.
- Negative symbiosis. The ideals supported earlier begin to collapse, the life principles and views of the child change, he understands that he is a full-fledged person and begins to prove independence in every way and tries to get rid of parental dependence.The opinion of peers is now more important than the point of view of fathers and mothers, especially if they are unable or unwilling to satisfy growing demands.
- Separation, that is, separation from parents and the formation of a person as a full-fledged, fully formed, independent person. In the process of separation, an awareness of one’s own “I”, acceptance of responsibility, the formation of will and basic qualities occur. The separation begins as a teenager, and ends after 20 years, sometimes later or earlier.
- Autonomy is the end of separation. At this stage, a person is completely independent, living his own independent life. He is freed from the influence of the opinions of his parents, although he can still listen to him, but he determines and maintains his boundaries, not allowing his parents to exert pressure. Dad and mom are gradually reconciled with this state of affairs and realize that the child has grown and no longer needs care.
Types and causes of dependence
There are two main types of dependence on parents:
- The most common material addiction. In this case, the parents continue to support the already grown up children almost all the time or constantly provide them with financial assistance, without which the child can no longer do.Such dependence develops, first of all, through the fault of fathers and mothers, who never stint on purchases and did not spare funds for spending money. As a result, the child was accustomed to this state of affairs and could not find out the price of money, so he did not learn to handle them and continues to wait for support from the parents.
- Psychological or emotional dependence is no less frequent. In general, a close relationship with the mother and father can persist throughout life, and this is quite normal. But at the same time, it should weaken somewhat and acquire certain boundaries. And if this does not happen, the child continues to depend heavily on parental opinion, is under the influence or even pressure, often feels a sense of shame or guilt in front of parents, if it does something contrary to their opinion.
Parents are almost always guilty in the development of dependence, because normally a child should become independent and separate from them, begin their own lives. Often, fathers and mothers prevent this, and there are several reasons for this:
- Fear of loneliness, old age. Many parents who have a single heir are afraid to be lonely in old age, so they are trying in every way to keep the child around him, to prove to him that he cannot live on his own.And often it succeeds, but the child lives a boring and unhappy life.
- Excessive influence, strictness of parents. In this case, the child becomes so accustomed to total control and constant pressure that in adulthood he cannot get rid of it or even experience discomfort. In addition, a person brought up in harsh conditions often cannot make independent decisions and is highly dependent on parental opinion.
- Excessive custody. Hypertreatment syndrome is not a rare phenomenon in which normal care develops into total control. And the child, growing in constant bans, fenced off from real life and not used to doing everything on their own, simply cannot adapt to real conditions and an adult independent existence.
- The selfishness of parents who think only of themselves and do not care about the future fate of the child.
- Strong sense of ownership. For such fathers and mothers, the child, unfortunately, is the property whose life they have the right to manage.
How to identify?
To take into account the opinions of parents and respect them, as well as occasionally to take from them insignificant financial assistance is quite normal, because for parents children always remain loved, small, helpless and inexperienced.
But if care has developed into hyperopeak, then dependence will inevitably develop, which can be revealed by such signs as a strong exposure to the influence of the father and mother, the inability to make independent decisions, the perception of the parental opinion as the most correct, the constant doubts about the actions (because they may not be approved by the mother with dad), feelings of guilt and shame for disagreeing or trying to go against.
How to reset the shackles of dependence?
Dependence on parents is a serious problem that only an dependent person can solve. But how to get rid of such oppression, start an independent life and make it clear to the father and mother that it's time to let the adult chick out of the nest? To achieve freedom, follow a few guidelines:
- Start making money normally. Prove to parents that you are no longer dependent on them financially and can support yourself.
- Set boundaries. Let your father and mother understand that you can make decisions on your own and do not intend to act on their instructions.
- What if parents resist and take offense? Be patient and try in every way to show that independence will not interfere with mutual love and close communication.
- Start helping your parents understand that now you will take care of them in gratitude for bringing up and keeping you up. Bring them groceries, take them shopping, get the necessary appliances, help around the house - any support is important and indicative in terms of a sign of independence.
- A radical measure is a move to a separate dwelling, even to a rented apartment. And it is desirable that your new place of residence is as far away from the parental home as possible: so, father and mother will not be able to constantly come and interfere in your affairs. But do not forget mom and dad so that they do not feel unnecessary: call them, come, call them to visit.
Possible negative consequences
What threatens dependence on parents? Especially it can harm the guy, because the representatives of the male should take a leading position in the relationship and be able to support not only themselves but also the family. But a girl dependent on her father and mother will also have a hard time.
Possible consequences are problems with your own children in the future, difficulties in relationships with the opposite sex,development of other addictions (alcoholic, gambling, narcotic), difficulties in professional activity, fears, infantilism, self-doubt, low self-esteem, as well as a complete breakdown of communication with parents.
Free yourself from addiction to start an independent life!