This Dad's Post About His Wife Giving Birth Should Be Required Reading for All Fathers-to-Be
Moms-to-be: If you want to prepare your husband for when you inevitably birth your child, you might want to point him in the direction of this dad's Facebook post, whichdefinitelydoes not describe the flowery, blissful, zen-like experience some men may still believe birth is.
After all, Brad Kearns of the DaDMuM Facebook page's hilarious account of his wife giving birth isn't just legit LOL-worthy...it's actually kind of educational.
Let the Australian father tell the tale:
"I've always thought of myself as pretty cool under pressure," he begins the post. "But the first time I got that call that my wife's water had broken, something changed. The excitement of almost being a dad went straight out the window, because holy fuck, a tiny human was about to come out of my wife."
Hmmm...perhaps some dads can relate?
"Now as a man, I obviously couldn't feel the pain," he concedes. "But let me tell you, when those contractions were hitting, I had a pretty good idea what was going on."
And he only got more anxious as the events progressed. "The louder she got, the higher my heart-rate spiked and the faster we went," he writes.
It gets dramatic. He goes on:
"Parked as quick as I could, rang the shit out of the buzzer, threw her in a wheelchair and sprinted to the maternity ward like it was the fucking olympics. This woman strolls over and opens the door for us. I've just put in a performance that would rival Usain Bolt over the 200m whilst pushing a wheelchair, and this old lady casually opens the door like it's a book club meeting and I'm 20 minutes early. Like she was already angry at me because she had to put down her tea. Fuck out of my way woman, my wife is having a baby!""Have you ever felt like the dumbest person in the room?" He asks. "I did, because they all seemed pretty relaxed. The nursing staff. Nobody seemed to give much of a shit about the whole 'babies head is bigger than a vagina' thing. It must be their training. We obviously weren't as close to D-Day as I thought. So we set up in one of the birthing suites. I knew we weren't as close as others because I could hear the bellows of a woman in pain coming from down the hall. Fuck, were we in for a good night or what!"
Even the classes he took with his wife weren't very helpful, he says — becausenothingcan prepare you to be in that moment. In his words: "When your wife breaks your arm and demands an epidural with a demon-possessed voice, and it's too late to administer... You're fucked. I'm just going to put it out there and say that those classes didn't teach me shit all. Why did we watch that stupid 1980s video where a woman pops this kid out like a morning poo? We should have been watching the fuckingExorcism of Emily Rose."
Eventually, though, his new baby, Knox, was born. Don't worry! He's not scarred for life. "Childbirth is actually amazing," he concludes. "I don't get how they even go through that?"
And Kearns — who promises he's "not a sociopath" — has some words for dads-to-be out there: "If you know any men out there who are pretending not to be nervous. Tell them they should be very fucking nervous. Or send them my way. I'm a pro now."
Video: Ellen Meets Viral Pregnancy Test Couple Jahann & Charles Stewart
Saint Looks Just Like Daddy Kanye West in Kim Kardashians Latest Photo
How to Determine the Sex of a Rabbit
See Blake Lively’s Baby Bump From EveryAngle
Naked Celebrity Instagrams: Emily Ratajkowski inLingerie
How to Obtain a Cuban Visa (United States)
Top 21 Weight Loss Dinner Recipes
How to Prevent Prostate Enlargement
Balenciaga Pre-Fall 2019 Collection Channels Vetements
Processed Foods: Heres How Much Youre Actually Eating
6 Things You Should Never Do Before Sex
Burberry Billy Elliot Festive 2015 Campaign